View Full Version : Confused

07-22-2010, 08:13 PM
I met a guy. We had alot in common and it seemed as if we were meant to find each other. I was in the process of a religious conversion that I had started way before I met him and he claimed to be observant (and was whenever he was with me). He told me that his visa was in a 'gray' area - that he had applied for extension and just hadn't received it yet but didn't expect any problems. We had talked about getting married in a very orthodox tradition. We were concerned about his status, so we got married legally (through the courts, not through our religion) to get the process started so that by the time my conversion finished, we'd be able to travel on our honeymoon, we even discussed having the ceremony in his home country were his family still is. Because of the legal marriage and immigration process, we had to live together but, because of our religious beliefs, we had to maintain certain separation. We decided on a 2 bedroom/2 bath apt. I was going to move. He told me not to worry, that he would cover the cost of the moving, the transition, and that he could pay for things until I got settled. He did not pay for these things, he said that he was having trouble at work. For richer or poorer, I didn't think twice about using the money I had saved for my conversion process and studies, this wasn't our future, it was our life together. When my savings ran out, he became more and more frustrated with the fact that I couldn't carry us. I know that money is the number one reason people fight, so I just kept trying everything (even babysitting) to keep some money coming in. We had our interview. It went well, 2 weeks later he received his ID card/permit. Suddenly he couldn't remember all the promises he had made to me and became more and more distant with EACH day! One day, I clicked on his Facebook page and saw that for months, while I was babysitting at night, he was at casual parties posing with girls, some cheek to cheek, some just standing there with arms around each others backs. I have no proof that anything was going on but it just seemed strange that he never mentioned that he was going out while I was babysitting. Then after our year anniversary which not only did he forget, he acted as if I was some kind of stalker for bringing it up (he said because it was a "real" wedding aka religious, it didn't count). I knew this was a huge red flag for our relationship but what I didn't know was that he had a girlfriend (who is not of our religion - but also american). We began to fight alot (i didn't know about her yet). I didn't know why we were always fighting. Then one day, I came home from helping a friend and found him and his new girlfriend moving his stuff out. He left me with $1.26 in the bank, the rent due, and had had the manager take his name off the lease, with NO WARNING to me. For a month and a half while the eviction process was happening and I was trying to put money together, I went through my angry phase. (btw, he did call me to tell me that he didn't want me to know where he was living now because it was none of my business) Now, I find myself torn. Because logically, I can see that he was using me but, this is someone I love (still) and don't want to see them hurt or deported. When I mentioned getting an anullment because we had never consumated the relationship, he threatened me that he would claim that I was a willing participant in the fraud and knew all along (because I DID know that his visa was in that 'gray' area from the beginning).
I don't want to face criminal charges, I'm already humiliated and now have an eviction on my record. And I can't just turn off that part of me that loves him and wants him to stay in America, where life is better and someday he can bring the rest of the family.
I also feel like I've been through enough and I shouldn't have to carry the label "divorced".
If I try to get it annulled, will I get in trouble because he told me about his visa? Will immigration automatically be notified and deport him?

07-23-2010, 08:15 PM

There is really a lot to your post here. I am sorry to hear that happened. The best advice I could give on this situation would be to present these questions to an immigration and divorce attorney as it is a very complicated matter.