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  • Please help me, dont judge me

    Hi, im a 45 year old man married for 15 years. But after 5 years of marriage a son later, my wife walked out of home because of issues with my mom and sister. Mine is a joint family. She went on to live with her parents in the same city. She never returned home though i persistently called her, begged her. She wanted a separate home but I refused to leave my old parents. We are very well off, wife is a big officer too. Though we were living separately, we would meet occasionally, talk. This went on for a few years. Later she restricted me from meeting my son who is now 12 years old.

    So i had to shift to her parents home and i lived there for 2 years. She was happy, son was happy though we never really got back as husband and wife. Unfortunately, my dad died and I had to return to my old ailing mom. So i begged my wife to return home as there was no one to trouble her at home. But she refused to come to my home but she kept in touch with me. But meeting my son was banned and i was so terribly hurt as I had no family life.

    Last year my son wanted to go a holiday so we even went abroad on a holiday for him. But she later banned me fro meeting my son again though he was missing me. Its been 1 year since i saw or spoke to him. But she keeps talking to me whenever she needs help and I do the same. I still keep requesting to return but she doesnt.

    Somewhere after she left, i got into an affair with a married woman who is separated ( not divorced yet) from her hubby. I really loved her and was in full fledged affair without the knowledge of my wife. I know its cheating but then I had no physical, emotional relationship with my wife since she left. I kept begging her to come home in the hope of starting a new life but she never did so I continued my affair with the woman i loved. Now suddenly my wife came to know of the affair, got hold of all mails and pics my lover and I exchanged and now threatening me for a divorce.I dont want to give her divorce as i really want to try a new life with her. But she is very furious that she was kept in dark for 5 years of affair. I dont know what to do and convince her not to give divorce. I tried to tell her that we should start a new life but she is very angry after knowing the intimate details of my affair and is refusing to excuse me.
    I thought of marriage counselling but I dont think she will come for counselling. She doesnt let me meet my son for months and years unless there is a need like marriage, functions.
    He cries for me but she doesnt let him see me.
    Surprisingly, she talks/chats with me and we went on a holiday to Dubai 2 years ago as my son cried for it.
    I still help her with issues and she does the same. But she refuses to live with me.
    I can go and live with her but how can i leave my ailing mom and go lie with her parents? I still did for 2 years till my dad died.
    Now she is hurt about the affair or her ego is hurt because she couldnt accept that a man who begs her to return home is actually in an affair?
    Im also confused with what she wants
    She threatens me with divorce every time we have a fight but then she never went ahead. We reconciled everytime but then we dont meet for months. That is not my decision but it is her decision.
    Is it possible that she just wants me as a social status symbol?
    If she cares about our son, why cant she adjust and live in my house with me?
    Im not an alcoholic, not a wife-beater, i love her very much. The affair happened but still Im ready to stop everything for wife and restart.
    What do you think she will do now?
    Will she go ahead with divorce this time because she has proofs of adultry?
    What should I do now? Counselling wont help as she wont come.

  • #2
    Originally posted by Nandini Chahal Singh View Post
    Hi, im a 45 year old man married for 15 years. But after 5 years of marriage a son later, my wife walked out of home because of issues with my mom and sister. Mine is a joint family. She went on to live with her parents in the same city. She never returned home though i persistently called her, begged her. She wanted a separate home but I refused to leave my old parents. We are very well off, wife is a big officer too. Though we were living separately, we would meet occasionally, talk. This went on for a few years. Later she restricted me from meeting my son who is now 12 years old.

    So i had to shift to her parents home and i lived there for 2 years. She was happy, son was happy though we never really got back as husband and wife. Unfortunately, my dad died and I had to return to my old ailing mom. So i begged my wife to return home as there was no one to trouble her at home. But she refused to come to my home but she kept in touch with me. But meeting my son was banned and i was so terribly hurt as I had no family life.

    Last year my son wanted to go a holiday so we even went abroad on a holiday for him. But she later banned me fro meeting my son again though he was missing me. Its been 1 year since i saw or spoke to him. But she keeps talking to me whenever she needs help and I do the same. I still keep requesting to return but she doesnt.

    Somewhere after she left, i got into an affair with a married woman who is separated ( not divorced yet) from her hubby. I really loved her and was in full fledged affair without the knowledge of my wife. I know its cheating but then I had no physical, emotional relationship with my wife since she left. I kept begging her to come home in the hope of starting a new life but she never did so I continued my affair with the woman i loved. Now suddenly my wife came to know of the affair, got hold of all mails and pics my lover and I exchanged and now threatening me for a divorce.I dont want to give her divorce as i really want to try a new life with her. But she is very furious that she was kept in dark for 5 years of affair. I dont know what to do and convince her not to give divorce. I tried to tell her that we should start a new life but she is very angry after knowing the intimate details of my affair and is refusing to excuse me.
    I thought of marriage counselling but I dont think she will come for counselling. She doesnt let me meet my son for months and years unless there is a need like marriage, functions.
    He cries for me but she doesnt let him see me.
    Surprisingly, she talks/chats with me and we went on a holiday to Dubai 2 years ago as my son cried for it.
    I still help her with issues and she does the same. But she refuses to live with me.
    I can go and live with her but how can i leave my ailing mom and go lie with her parents? I still did for 2 years till my dad died.
    Now she is hurt about the affair or her ego is hurt because she couldnt accept that a man who begs her to return home is actually in an affair?
    Im also confused with what she wants
    She threatens me with divorce every time we have a fight but then she never went ahead. We reconciled everytime but then we dont meet for months. That is not my decision but it is her decision.
    Is it possible that she just wants me as a social status symbol?
    If she cares about our son, why cant she adjust and live in my house with me?
    Im not an alcoholic, not a wife-beater, i love her very much. The affair happened but still Im ready to stop everything for wife and restart.
    What do you think she will do now?
    Will she go ahead with divorce this time because she has proofs of adultry?
    What should I do now? Counselling wont help as she wont come.

    Plain and simple, she had issues with your parents so she moved out so she wouldn't have to deal with them, she wouldn't let you see your son because she wanted you to move back in with her, but you went and cheated on her and now she wants a divorce. you messed up and you need to do what she's asking and deal with the consequences of your actions. this isn't her fault.
    This is strictly an opinion and should not be misconstrued as legal advice. The use of this information is strictly at your own risk.

    -Krypton9591

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Nandini Chahal Singh View Post
      Hi, im a 45 year old man married for 15 years. But after 5 years of marriage a son later, my wife walked out of home because of issues with my mom and sister. Mine is a joint family. She went on to live with her parents in the same city. She never returned home though i persistently called her, begged her. She wanted a separate home but I refused to leave my old parents. We are very well off, wife is a big officer too. Though we were living separately, we would meet occasionally, talk. This went on for a few years. Later she restricted me from meeting my son who is now 12 years old.

      So i had to shift to her parents home and i lived there for 2 years. She was happy, son was happy though we never really got back as husband and wife. Unfortunately, my dad died and I had to return to my old ailing mom. So i begged my wife to return home as there was no one to trouble her at home. But she refused to come to my home but she kept in touch with me. But meeting my son was banned and i was so terribly hurt as I had no family life.

      Last year my son wanted to go a holiday so we even went abroad on a holiday for him. But she later banned me fro meeting my son again though he was missing me. Its been 1 year since i saw or spoke to him. But she keeps talking to me whenever she needs help and I do the same. I still keep requesting to return but she doesnt.

      Somewhere after she left, i got into an affair with a married woman who is separated ( not divorced yet) from her hubby. I really loved her and was in full fledged affair without the knowledge of my wife. I know its cheating but then I had no physical, emotional relationship with my wife since she left. I kept begging her to come home in the hope of starting a new life but she never did so I continued my affair with the woman i loved. Now suddenly my wife came to know of the affair, got hold of all mails and pics my lover and I exchanged and now threatening me for a divorce.I dont want to give her divorce as i really want to try a new life with her. But she is very furious that she was kept in dark for 5 years of affair. I dont know what to do and convince her not to give divorce. I tried to tell her that we should start a new life but she is very angry after knowing the intimate details of my affair and is refusing to excuse me.
      I thought of marriage counselling but I dont think she will come for counselling. She doesnt let me meet my son for months and years unless there is a need like marriage, functions.
      He cries for me but she doesnt let him see me.
      Surprisingly, she talks/chats with me and we went on a holiday to Dubai 2 years ago as my son cried for it.
      I still help her with issues and she does the same. But she refuses to live with me.
      I can go and live with her but how can i leave my ailing mom and go lie with her parents? I still did for 2 years till my dad died.
      Now she is hurt about the affair or her ego is hurt because she couldnt accept that a man who begs her to return home is actually in an affair?
      Im also confused with what she wants
      She threatens me with divorce every time we have a fight but then she never went ahead. We reconciled everytime but then we dont meet for months. That is not my decision but it is her decision.
      Is it possible that she just wants me as a social status symbol?
      If she cares about our son, why cant she adjust and live in my house with me?
      Im not an alcoholic, not a wife-beater, i love her very much. The affair happened but still Im ready to stop everything for wife and restart.
      What do you think she will do now?
      Will she go ahead with divorce this time because she has proofs of adultry?
      What should I do now? Counselling wont help as she wont come.
      You are both to blame for how long this situation went on for. Yes, at the start she moved out and wanted you and her to have your own house which is totally understandable and she's right to want that. She wants a home for you guys and your son, but on the other hand you were trying to take care of you elderly parents, so I can see that you were caught in a tough situation - whether you made the right decision or not, I am not sure, it's hard to say when not faced with it personally, but you probably should have moved in to your own house together, you could still have visited your parents daily.

      She was wrong in using your son against you in this way. Just because the parents are having issues, you should never punish the child - he will someday resent her for this, but it's also likely she will turn him against you with her vitriol. She left you hanging in the balance for a long time, she wouldn't try to make the relationship better, it was her way or the highway, so I also totally understand that after years of this, you search for comfort in another, even despite trying so hard and despite loving your wife.

      You cheated, this was wrong, but I can see both sides, she didn't make it easy either. You've now been caught, she is now going to use that against you more than ever. She was bad before, treating you like a doormat, but now she has this against you, she's going to want to hurt you, it seems her ego is going to make her want to make you pay for this.

      In my opinion, you guys have to end this. You have a son. Your relationship was over a long time ago. Time to try and move on, as you kind of already have as you said you love this other woman. It's complicated because you have a son with your wife, but it will be better for all of you to divorce and try to reconcile with your child.
      Marriage AOS - 2018

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      4-14: Picked up by USCIS
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      4-23: I-797 Receipts received
      4-27: Biometrics notice received
      5-10: Courtesy letter for I-693
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      6-04: Interview scheduled
      6-09: Received interview letter
      7-10: Interview complete & approved, status change to New Card being Produced
      7-13: Card was Mailed
      7-18: Green Card in Hand

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      • #4
        Originally posted by Tezza View Post
        You are both to blame for how long this situation went on for. Yes, at the start she moved out and wanted you and her to have your own house which is totally understandable and she's right to want that. She wants a home for you guys and your son, but on the other hand you were trying to take care of you elderly parents, so I can see that you were caught in a tough situation - whether you made the right decision or not, I am not sure, it's hard to say when not faced with it personally, but you probably should have moved in to your own house together, you could still have visited your parents daily.

        She was wrong in using your son against you in this way. Just because the parents are having issues, you should never punish the child - he will someday resent her for this, but it's also likely she will turn him against you with her vitriol. She left you hanging in the balance for a long time, she wouldn't try to make the relationship better, it was her way or the highway, so I also totally understand that after years of this, you search for comfort in another, even despite trying so hard and despite loving your wife.

        You cheated, this was wrong, but I can see both sides, she didn't make it easy either. You've now been caught, she is now going to use that against you more than ever. She was bad before, treating you like a doormat, but now she has this against you, she's going to want to hurt you, it seems her ego is going to make her want to make you pay for this.

        In my opinion, you guys have to end this. You have a son. Your relationship was over a long time ago. Time to try and move on, as you kind of already have as you said you love this other woman. It's complicated because you have a son with your wife, but it will be better for all of you to divorce and try to reconcile with your child.

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